As I sit nude before the computer pondering, I am in awe of how far I've come in the past year and a half. My friends have commented that I am the last person in the world who they'd think would become a nudist. I agree. To say the least, nudism has been one of the most difficult but healing 'projects' I've ever attempted. Why? In short, because I was physically and sexually abused throughout my life and the shame, guilt, fear, nightmares, and lack of body acceptance crippled me for years.
Let me begin by telling you a bit about my childhood years with my biological family. Only through knowing what 'was' can you comprehend the miracle that 'now' is. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, and I'm truly thankful for that. What I do remember I'd rather forget. I was born into a family of five girls. When I came along as child number six, I was blind in my right eye and had severe stomach problems that made me a very difficult baby. My mother, who is schizophrenic and has bipolar disorder, has thoughts that aren't always rational. She did the best she could under the circumstances, but it always seemed that neither she nor my father could love me in a way that made sense to me.
The result of all of this was intense fear and shame. I chose to leave the state for college so I could start anew. Little did I know things were going to get far worse before they became better. When I got to college, I began to see how strange I was. I could only sleep when fully dressed- including jeans, a belt, long-sleeve shirt, socks, shoes, etc.- because of fear that someone would come hurt me. The light had to be on so I could see who was coming in the middle of the night, and I typically slept under the bed so no one could find me. Each night, I woke up terrified with nightmares, and I couldn't concentrate. Any discussions with men frightened me because I didn't know what they were going to do. Nudity was not allowed in my life, and I could only bear a shower if I closed my eyes. I had no social skills and didn't know what to do with myself now that I didn't have to focus so much on survival. Between the ages of 18 and 25, I made some progress. I forced myself to sleep on a bed in sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and socks. Showering became acceptable with my eyes open, although a bath was still out of the question. Life went on.
At age 28, I had to go to the doctor because of some pains in my middle area, and she told me that I was long overdue for a pelvic exam. After the life I'd lived, I NEVER would have allowed such an exam but I truly trusted the doctor- which was a miracle in itself as I couldn't stand to be touched in any way!- and I consented to the exam. Nearly seven months later I still had nightmares from childhood that began again upon hearing about the exam. (To the doctor's credit, she did GREAT- told me everything that would happen while I was still dressed, entertained me with jokes, and reassured me when things got tough. I wish all people had a doctor this good!) In October, a month and a half after the exam, I realized that body acceptance was a big issue with me so I looked up "body acceptance" in the google search engine.
That's when the idea of nudism first came into my head. The google results included many sites on nudism. Being against pornography for many reasons, I refused to click on one of *those* sites. Yet after a day or so, I clicked and I learned that nudism isn't anything like what I thought it was. Instead of the orgies that I had assumed, I learned that nudism is a very healthy family lifestyle. Go figure! The first site I visited was www.netnude.com where I used the message board to ask some of the questions I had. In my first post on that board, I asked if nudism should even be considered as an option for me considering my background. The responses were far more than I ever could have hoped for! While the people were honest in saying that nudism might be hard for me, they were all supportive, willing to answer questions, and gave me ideas on how to begin living a nudist life.
With such support, I decided to push myself to become a nudist. I say 'push' because, unlike most nudists, I had NEVER had a desire to be nude. Bribing myself with a cheesesteak, I was nude for a few hours that first night. Terror pretty much describes the night, though I got through it and earned my cheesesteak. For the first week, bribery was needed to get my clothes off. Nudism quickly became more natural to me, and within two weeks, I was hooked on home nudism. How freeing! Cleaning the house, eating dinner, sleeping, and other normal activities became much more comfortable and convenient without the clothes. Though home nudism was a joy now, was I ready for social nudism?
To find out, click on the "Nude Diary" link to the left!
